Thursday, 23 October 2008

MEMORIES...

I'm in my room, listening to slow love songs and going through the archives of my old facebook messages :-) (sent and received). I don't know how I'm feeling- up/down, good/bad.... what I do know is that there is this feeling of melancholy and "what could have been" and "what should be now". It's been going on for the past couple of days. Don't know why but I have been feeling the need to just be on my own and I've been in quite a somber mood....You see the reason why it's particularly unusual is that I am not one to be on my own at ALL...oh yes, I love having people around me ALL the time, I could almost run crazy if I have nothing to do or find myself on my own. But for some reason, right now I feel like withdrawing and spending some "me" time...Oh well, it's only temporary, believe me :-)

Tonight, I've been doing some sort of "soul-searching". Just taking a trip down memory lane..... I remember when I had that caption as my facebook status, someone wrote cheekily on my wall, "hope you come back via third mainland bridge". It was some HOT guy and I think I might have had a little school girl crush on him (old woman like me) so imagine how pleased I was that he commented on my state of mind lol....
Anyways, I was just going through my messages and that particular HOT guy is now a part of that memory trip. As it happened, that wall post was just a start of many more messages as well as night phone calls (you know you don't discuss lecture notes or the weather at that time :-).

When I go through old stuff like old messages and diaries..I smile and sometimes wish I could turn back the hands of time in some circumstances... I read little notes or messages I wrote in the past to that special someone and I long for days gone past.. I remember that special thing he did, how we could keep talking and talking,. How we were such good friends who understood each other so much! Sometimes I wonder what went wrong or in some cases I remember where it all started to go topsy-turvy.

On the other hand, sometimes what jumps out at me are those things I did/said, and now with the fortune of hindsight I wonder why I said/wrote such a thing. Nevertheless there are times when I am actually impressed with what I said/did and I'm like "you actually did/said that!".

The simple act of going through my archives of old messages brings up so many emotions, it's amazing that such a simple act is capable of evoking so MUCH! It's worth it though because as the memories start to form a story in your mind, it's like watching a movie of your life! Better still, it's a time to re-evaluate and re-examine. It gives you the opportunity to stop and analyse areas you could have done better or situations you could have handled better. It also sometimes makes you see loose ends that you probably forgot to tie up or unexplored opportunities that you have forgotten to get back to...... At least I found one or two. Hope to let you know how it all turns out. By God's grace, I hope as usual for the best!!

Wish you the same
xxxx

Sunday, 19 October 2008

LETTING GO 1

One thing I have learnt over the years is that letting go is one of the hardest and most painful things to do in this world! But the sad thing is that like change it is inevitable, you could call it a necesary evil... :-(

It may be letting go of a relationship, a position or even a favourite top! Letting go is quite different from losing something or someone, the latter sometimes may be something good or bad that you may not have control over -and it goes without you having a lot of control in the matter. On the other hand, in letting go, you may have control over it and you may well have to make a conscious effort to do so ( I hope I have been able to convince you and not confuse you...lol).

Personally, I have had to strive/work hand to let things go. It ranges from the serious - emotions/feelings, position, boyfriend.. to the trivial - shoes, clothes etc... As I am sure those who have had to go through this process know, it is not funny business at all!! But it has to be done..

I remember when my first ever serious relationship broke up, it was hell!! Oh my goodness!! I thought I would just die (thinking back I know that was quite drastic :-) but to be honest I understood what those novelist used to say about preferring a physical pain to heart-ache cause at least the physical pain could be seen and would soon be remedied but with your heart it's like you can't see it and there is no solution... lol (I am just a romantic fool! lol). But the breaking up wasn't the hardest part, the letting go process was.....

It was hard letting go the fact that I would go to bed without talking to him (all those looooong phone-calls) I mean, who would I tell all those meaningless nevertheless "news-worthy" events that happened in the day? It was hard letting "my" boyfriend go. Breaking up meant that special bond we had was gone, no more talking to each other with our eyes or a covert gesture in a crowded room. No more hearing that special "my boo" ringtone that I have specially for him (the song won't be the same again). No more special preference with him nor being so close that we were able to exchange passwords to high important accounts like facebook or hi-5 lol!.... These bits are what make letting go very tough after the end of a relationship! Long after the first few weeks of awkwardness (the first few times you see each other again), you are able to put up a "I'm good and alright" face up yet inside you still haven't completely let go......

For a lot of us, we can't turn on/off our emotions like a tap. It takes time to fully completely let go. That's why we usually secretly despise (ok, cannot be friends) with our exes immediate new girl/boyfriend after our exit lol (admit it!!). It's either his/her nose is a bit on the large side or he/she isn't just good enough lol (alright, some people are nice/weird like that and they actually become bff with them :-)

But is this behaviour normal or are we (me and you) a bit out in the head lol....How hard is it for others to let go? Is that why some people would rather stay in a draining relationship, rather than face the harsh reality of a break up?

Well if it is partially normal behaviour :-) then I can only say that one thing that never fails to work or help is God! TRUST ME, when I am in the lowest of lows, I try to remember how special I am with Him even if "he"-the boyfriend doesn't think so at this point lol....or even if I am not feeling it myself!! God does wonderful things to my self esteem!! I definately whole-heartedly recommend that!! :-)

I shall continue in the nearest future...hehe

God bless xx