Thursday, 31 July 2014

Conversations with One: Reading the Writings on the Wall!

That's not us.. Or is it?!

Conversations with One is a new chat-series on the blog. Each week, my wonderful friends and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective..
Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at last week's conversation where we discussed Qualities that Attract in the Opposite Sex. You can also have a read of previous 'episodes' HERE. 

Thanks to everyone who joined in last week! It was great reading the variety of expressions! May God bring your heart's desires to pass according to His will.

Today's topic of discussion sparked different view-points from the 1 + The One panel!. I look forward to reading your take on it too! Here goes!

"There's this nice girl I've been trying to talk to and been trying to get her to go out on a date but she keeps saying she's busy! Busy in the morning, busy in the afternoon, busy after work, weekends and public holidays... I know she works really hard and is quite busy but how busy can someone be? Help please!!"

May I add this sub-question to the dilemma above:

"What are the 'writings on the wall' to show that he/she is just not that into you"

NubianPrincess: Loool @ the busyness of the babe! My dear, in very simple English, she's just not into you, I'm sorry! From personal experience, when I'm not into a guy, I'm busier than a one-eyed cat watching nine rat holes! Lol... You just cannot reach me! I return calls 96 hours later - mostly with a short text proclaiming my busyness and saying I will call him back "soon"! I'm ALWAYS in meetings, all my lunches, brunches and dinners are fully booked for the next one month... And when all else fails, I just go AWOL!

A 'busy' woman is sometimes an uninterested woman
I think when a girl is interested, to start with, she'd at least enjoy having a conversation with you. As humans, we make time for the things that are important to us, this applies to both guys and girls. If someone even remotely tickles your fancy, you'd at least make out time for one date before you write him/her off entirely...

One: LOL! NubianP, I can recognise many similarities! I feel bad admitting it, but it's true! That is a MAJOR sign from a babe that she's not into you - busyness! I become 'busier' than the President of the United States!
The truth like you said is that we make time out for things that are important to us. When I do like a guy, I could be as tired as a Labourer but I would look forward to talking/chatting with the individual even if it involves dozing on the phone - forget all that 'busy' talk, that's code for "broda it ain't happening"

Ms PumpkinUnited: If I like a guy, he will know. I don't know how to pretend nor bottle my feelings, I love to EXPRESS myself.. When something tickles my fancy I give it all the attention I can muster . .. When I'm also not into you, I try to be nice about it and give gentle signals just like NubianP listed but when you decide to join the "She's only playing hard to get clique" I simply switch to my zombie mode, shikena. I like my space and really don't like to be bothered when I don't want..

But I can still like to do small shakara if it's a guy I like that's coming around (it's allowed, I'm a babe :-) ) ..

Miss Me: The signs are there to see but you turn a blind eye hoping it was a mistake. If a guy likes you things like "I'm not quite ready to be in a relationship" will fly straight out the window! I firmly believe that if a guy is interested he will move everything possible to get you! Same for girls as well! Guys, we girls are constantly checking our phones to see if you have replied, when last you've been on Whatsapp, who that random girl is being cosy in the Instagram photo taken 8 weeks ago (we can tell you the time it was taken if you ask nicely!). Basically 2 or more texts and no immediate response with a question encouraging a text conversation, pitch your tent somewhere else! :-)

MsUTA: Nice one. Another funny one I read somewhere is that if a lady tells a guy that she's a "slow texter" then she's certainly not interested because ladies are good at multi-tasking. She'll text you back in the middle of a meeting, at weddings (easily), in the bath, toilet, whilst having lunch or even dinner with family - in short, nothing or no one else will matter to her. So guys, don't even make a 2nd attempt once you hear "I am a slow texter" lol

I like you = No texting excuses
Mr NumeroUno: I feel inspired by Nubian's response, and may have learnt a thing or two as well. Thank you for that!
From a guy's angle I think men might also do something similar.
Let me share a little of my personal experience and hope it may be helpful either now or in the future.
My most recent interests came from two very fine born-again sisters. One (not the blogger lol) got my number somehow and leaves a voice message that I should get back that it was urgent. I then call back to consider the emergency on board. What was it? She had a dream about me, and wanted to see if I was okay. E gba mi o! Ok! is that the emergency? 

Me: What was the dream?'
Babe: Don't worry about it.
Me: Ok.

She dreams another 4 dreams after, and beats the record of Joseph.

Response: Quite frankly, either you're ready to share the dream, or please keep the fact that you dreamt to yourself. 

Where am I going? The other girl too, had her dreams, and refused to tell me, but the funny thing is, I had a soft spot for one, and could overlook what might have been an irritation.

The second interesting point, I wish to also put out there is that 'Josephine' is rather attractive. The first time I saw her in church, during a prayer meeting, I just kept staring at her for as long as I could when I thought no one noticed... But why the sudden irritation? I heard her speak. OMG! She was a chatter box literally! She didn't stop! I could figure out her life in one day. Mega recipe for disaster! lol 

So how did I show my lack of interest? Normal. 
1. One liners
2. Delayed responses to calls or text or Facebook, etc.
3. I don't call you. Ever! Except we work together, and can't avoid it, but even at that, I'll find a way out.
4. I pretend not to notice you, (sometimes, it might genuinely be the fact), somehow the girl will be invisible.

If a man likes a woman. (1) He will find a way to get her attention.
(2) He won't be able to help it. He will find himself checking her out one way or the other
(3) He is likely to ask a lot of questions or show some interest in getting to know more about her.

So if he is not constantly in your life, one way or the other. Then the interest is at a platonic stage.

One: And Numero Uno comes out in full colour haha.. Meanwhile, what were you doing checking out a girl during prayer meeting, were your eyes not meant to be closed ni? lol

Ms MIA: I've got to say that all these responses are making me laugh so much in the office, my colleagues must be wondering if I inhaled laughing gas or something!
'One eyed cat watching nine rat holes'? Oh my goodytwoshoes! And MissMe, you're classic! You just summed up us girls when the right guy is whispering the right things. Also, very true that we can text anywhere in this world, even in front of that boss that wants to whip off your head. We've already rationalised that jobs will come and go but a good broda, who can find???

Mr Ogbomosho: Yeh!! Yeh!! Yeah!! Yeah!!!!!
Women!!!! Chai!!!
I am choosing to be the opposite of all that has been said!
Hope = Hanging Onto Positive Expectations. Expectations are different, guys are hunters, if you watch National Discovery you will see how hunting is done, requires patience persistence etc
In fact sefff you women are greater HUNTERs!!!!

Whilst I agree that busyness means not interested, the girl/guy might actually be but is influenced by external factors!!!!

One: Yeah right! 'External Factors' hehe.. I see your point, but Mr Ogbomosho, there is hunting and there is hunting - abeg let us recognise worthy hunting 'investments'.

Ms MIA: For me, I feel like the dynamics change a bit when it's a guy chasing 'sometimes'. I put that in quote because it's not absolute. If a girl is texting a lot and broda is not responding, Sister, plix save your airtime! However, I believe it is a God-given ability for men to chase and I've seen cases where the girl doesn't really like what she sees at first and for that reason she closes up and barricades herself with iron bars, but with the right amount of persistence, she reluctantly agrees to maybe even speak on the phone... Girl hears guys voice and of course (if he is a smooth guy), interest will develop and the rest is 'How we Met' on Bellanaija.
Now that is not an everyday scenario so thread carefully Broda!

One: Ms MIA nooo please don't encourage them!! Some dudes don't understand where to draw the line - they think "she's just playing hard-to-get, let me persist" lol

Mr Ogbomoso: For some they are determined to break the business, in their mind that’s the biggest front you have; the likelihood of breaking that is what some find attractive. When you’re attracted to someone whether they give you audience or not you are more likely to do everything you can to convince the person. You make excuses for their not returning your messages until you ‘wake up’ that waking up process is a mystery and no one can do it for you really.

One: Maybe the prayer point will now change to "Lord wake him/her up, do it Lord, please do it!" Hehe

Mr NumeroUno: I don't get it though.
Why would I want to commit the rest of my life to a sceptic...someone who is not sure about me...or an irritant, someone who finds me a nuisance or turn off...or Miss/Mr Universe...someone who thinks he/she is all that and too busy to return your call. I don't even see the attraction.
We are talking about your precious life!
That vacancy is not for a stranger! Not at all! 

One: Spot on.. You deserve someone who thinks you're all that and much more!!

Ms MIA: I don't necessarily see it as committing to someone who's sceptic or an irritant. And it's not to encourage the guy but matters of the heart are tricky and some things are not black and white.
We read these stories don't we? Maybe even seen it happen. The girl is not necessarily responding or coming forth but one day her friends tease her to give him a chance or she just sees him as really persistent and bang, story changes.
It's not to say carry on calling like a jobless man, but give it reasonable time and pull back after then. Sometimes if it's right, she'll look for you then, otherwise life goes on.

Mr JohnNash: Every remarkable thing I ever wanted (including the woman of my dreams) I found on the other side of fear.

One: Hmm. Preach it!

Mr JohnNash: Nothing good comes easy.
If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

I am currently on one case at the moment, I am almost there. Through the process I have received scars. However, all my scars won't matter any more because in the end I will get what I want.

I think a man should know when to give up.

Ms Angel: Truth is, I am going to be very reluctant to return 7 missed calls from someone who "just wants to say hello" for fear that the calls may increase.
My issue is handling the fact that some men/women may not understand when the other person becomes uncomfortable. Any advice? Also, are there different rules of friendliness for guys brought up in different areas (say...African culture vs British culture)? #IReallyNeedToKnowCosItsSeriouslyBeenOnMyMindForAWhileAndIDontMindFastingOverThisTopicToBeReal.

But then you would still be surprised at some guys who seem not to be bothered, but still slip in mid conversation after speaking to them every 4 months, "So...who is your Boaz then?" or "Are we still awaiting the promise?" (I don't understand the second one btw). I call these guys "prayin-mantis".

*Public appeal* - We would be grateful if you could help Ms Angel understand the concept of 'Are we still awaiting the promise?' lol.. 
On that note, we end this week's discussion! 
What's your take on it? To persist or to read the writings on the wall?

Join us again next week for more Convos with One! If you would like to ask a question please send your email to xx


  1. Loved reading through this; One thing i saw that I don't agree with is this

    "If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy"

    It just sounds so wrong, Now because I am ''Easy" and don't make him 'sweat' (by the worlds standard) before I respond and be expressive about my feelings to me does it mean i'm not amazing? Or because he didn't climb the highest mountain to declare his Love and wait for 1 year asking me out he is not worth it?
    Just so very wrong, IMO.

    Since we are Christians and God has confirmed to both of us, please why does there have to be all the 'not worth it, she's not amazing'

    Just doesn't sit well with me sha, plus just like someone mentioned there is no black and white and its not a one-size-fits-all...

    Asides that, I agree with most of whats mentioned, keep this up. Loving it.

  2. Ok... lemme begin... I so luv d phrase #busier dan d president of the United states# ds jst killed me... lmao buh its so true sha. Also, its true dat ladies r multitaskers, #she ll text u back in d middle of a meetn, in d bath, toilet#... Do I take my fone 2 d toilet and bath?? YEAH... I remb my colleague was so pissed at me cuz I was sitting in frnt of my prof nd class during our presentatn nd afta I was thru with mine, I sneaked a peak at my fone more dan 20tyms... lol. #As humans, we make time for d thns dt r importnt 2 us# also true, SCALE OF PREFERENCE.....
    Wen im nt in2 a guy, I can be outrightly snobby esp if hes so persistent, I start speaking Shakespearian english... lol and gv 1wrd ansa with no elaboration... with me, guys dnt evn av prob tryn 2 decipher if im into dem or nt cuz ama vry xpressv prsn nd my facial expression always expose me..... Lol.....
    Ps.. #if shes amazing she wont b easy etc# is so wrong... I 2 differ.

  3. Reading this was fun...
    Bottom line is: Someone that likes you would make time for you. There's nothing like too busy

  4. I don't really have much to add, everything has been said. But I felt I had to comment on one thing - TEXTING.

    I am wondering why texting and writing each other has become such a prominent element in relationships and "pre-relationship phases". I don't like the idea that I have to respond instantly to a girl, or to anyone for that matter. Am I a robot? I want to be physically present where I am. So when I am having lunch with a friend, I often just turn off distractions and respond to stuff later. When I am in class, I often (not always though) switch off my internet to focus on the content. Me not responding sharp-sharp does not have anything to do with me not liking the person. So I hate it when people over-interpret my digital communication, as if I always make deliberate decisions not to text someone... Na waooo I prefer face 2 face or phone convos anyway, I feel texting/ chatting just cannot carry emotions & personal stories very well.

    And abeg stop this "she won't be easy" stuff. I am tired of this. A girl who deliberately tries to be "mysterious" / unavailable turns me off more than anything. I don't need to play hide and seek, i no be pikin...

    God bless you for this series, very thought-provoking! :)

  5. I have a question, dear one: if a person uses all his(her) energy, power and might to pursue a woman(man) that is not interested in him(her), and the woman(man) finally reluctantly agrees to the relationship, what joy does he(her) derive at the end & will he(she) continue to coerce the woman(man) to relate with him(her) for the rest of their lives? (I don't seem to get it).

    Then, I think some people misunderstand the use of persistence. You don't persist where there is no hope- it's a futile journey. Once an individual is 'too busy' for you, I think it's the time to gradually let them go, male or female,because, they will never appreciate your efforts.

    That being said, I also think that we should be sure that the 'too busy' or 'slow texter' line is what we really want to tow. So that along the line, we do not return back to 'our vomit' and then, become the fools.
    I guess what I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't be in a hurry to close doors. We should wisely accept or reject people's effort.

    Then, this is a shout out to ladies that 'dream for men'- Eku ise o! Una dey try! More grease to your shoulders!
    Honestly, if I'm feeling a guy, until he leads the chase, your girl isn't letting an iota of that feeling out, oh Yes! And if he decides not to reciprocate, I kill it and it dies. In this life, men are meant to pursue women, simple!

    In other news, you guys are making this convo SWEET! Well done!

  6. That 'wake up' process line got me rolling on the floor.

    I am a busy lady, as I work 4 jobs, but mehn, if I like a guy, trust me, we gonnnn squeeze him into that busyness o. The busy line is just an excuse, let's be honest. For me, the harder the guy tries, the higher my walls go up.

    I disagree with Mr John Nash

  7. I thnk d point isnt responding sharply, but still responding wen u free. Checking my fone more dan a 100tym is jst an addiction anywayz; I also disconnkt my internet or switch off my fone wen i seriously need to concentrate so hard, but wen u turn it bk on or chk ur msgs, i bet u respond 2 msgs of pple u deem importnt 2 u.
    I can be very busy/under duress and still squeeze out tym 2 reply sm1's msg, and another prsn msgs me nd im lyk *abegi jae, dnt dsturb me* and den it takes me 2wks 2 gv a reply to *hi*.
    You might also end a call just to pick sm1else's kal, and sm1else myt kal u wyl talkn 2 anoda prsn, and u r lyk *abegi, wen i finish i ll kal d prsn bk jae* whch myt b in 1hr tym... dese thns appen buh it all still boils down 2 ur SCALE OF PREFERENCE and we all av dese lists as long as we r human.

  8. @Tommie, thanks dear. Yes, not one size fits all! When I do like someone, I don't know how to play hard-to-get! lol
    @Anonymous, LOL @Shakespearian English! Hahaha. I think it's great to note that many times, when there's an interest, one becomes very expressive!
    @Peace, Exactly! Too busy usually means "I don't consider you as priority"
    @Sebs, I love reading your comments! :-) I prefer face-to-face communication but alas the way of the new world is texts/emails/social media. I think it takes a lot of discipline to switch off phones to concentrate. (I do that when I'm with someone I like though lol).. If I enjoy something, I probably wouldn't remember where I left my phone :-)... I think that's another sign right there.. If the person is consistently on their phone when they are with you then it's a problem!
    @Debby, lol @question.. The hope is that by the time you get there, feelings would have been mutual :-) Amen to no hope = desist from persisting. Lol @ the dreamers, infact when they say only men are hunters, I'm like you've never met a woman who desires a man then!
    @ilola, same here! The harder the guy tries, the more annoying it could get.. It's usually not endearing! However, it's worked for some before - I guess it's knowing where to draw the line.
    @Anonymous, LOL.. I know the 'abegi jare' feeling.. It's nice to hear that 'beep' on your phone, see the sender and smile (not roll eyes with a deep sigh)..

  9. Interesting reading through all the responses. Its also interesting to see how men and ladies are indeed wired differently. Men think to persist is good but ladies say otherwise, it is irritating, most of the time, may be counter-productive. Sebs Sebs, na wa for u oh. Dis na free counsel, when you finally find the real one, lol, pls ansa her sharp sharp o. What happens if you dont respond sharp sharp to an item of interest at an auction! Haba, item may be grabbed by a sharper "contender" o, rotfl. Just one word response is enough to assure her that "baby, you are on my mind though am busy now". @One, enjoying the "Convos with one" so much, pls keep them coming because finally, we get to see how men think, lol

  10. NubianPrincess you are so funny.

    I don't agree with John Nash

    Personally if I'm not interested in a guy I will just tell him so as opposed to ignoring his calls and messages,I find that it saves the both of us the trouble. I don't like playing games. I don't ignore phone calls or texts because I know it hurts so I will pick your call but I will politely let you know that I'm not interested.
    People make time for the important things in life, so if a guy likes you he will definitely create time for you. If a guy tells me he is busy I take it to mean he doesn't want me so I move on.
    I like face to face conversations and I prefer phone calls to texting
    Ayo I really enjoy this new series really informative and entertaining too.

  11. Mr JohnNash: Every remarkable thing I ever wanted....I found on the other side of fear.

    I had to put this as my bbm pm.


    Ayo, we want more of these convos, ye we o speaking on behalf of 1,000,000 people on earth...hehehehe!

  12. @Anonymous 13:05, LOL.. That is a very wise advice to Sebs.. Sometimes, you many leave it too late when the interest is mutual! Thanks a lot for your comment :-)
    @Sharon, nice one.. I think it's important as you highlighted, to be considerate of the feelings of others... But some people still don't get the message after you have told them expressly that you're not interested.. What do you do then?!
    @Grace, that's a great quote indeed! :-)
    Haha @1,000,000 people. Thanks a lot hun.
    A huge thanks to all the wonderful people who make Convos with One worth reading! You are such a huge blessing. God bless you richly xx

  13. Hmmmm...Nice...I gotta read this again tho'....

  14. @Anonymous: God forbid dt bad thing from happenin! I declare all wive snatchers to be scattered! lol no seriously thanks for your advice! Don't get me wrong, I usually do respond, but it may not be immediately. Maybe we should find the middle way between being "enslaved to respond instantly" and "playing games and not responding at all". Instead, we should try our best, be kind and treat each other as mature human beings. Sharon summarized it perfectly.
    Have a wonderful weekend :)

  15. I so love what runs through Mr. JOHN NASH's mind. I mean if she is worth it, she will not be easy.

    However I fail to believe that statement a 100 percent. Look at Isaac and Rebecca (Not too sure if I got the Bible characters right, cause I learnt of their love at first sight story a long time ago in Children's Church) Rebecca was amazing, and she loved him from the start.

    See This Love some thing ehn, it is just a big puzzle, like a tough jig saw puzzle, cause i have noticed that the harder I try to understand the lady, to find out if it is a case of Hard to get or a case of Live me alone jo, the more trouble and confusion I get into.

    So brothers just chill, and your own woman will come. My Days of hope and persistence are sooooo long gone. Nice post 1+The One, it was a fun read :)

  16. Thanks for that analogy J, it works in different ways for different people.. May God un-confuse every confusion haha.. But I get you though.
    @Thanks Erneisha :-)
    LOL Sebs..

  17. She's ain't interested. Simple and short.


You know you want to say something :-)