Thursday, 29 January 2015

Conversations with One: How Do I Deal With the Feeling of Not Being Good Enough?

Hello people!

Hope your week has been great?
It's the 29th day in the month of January today (well, rapidly coming to the end of the day!). Earlier this week in church, my Pastor challenged us saying that God made the earth in 6 days and that there may be some things that we are expecting or praying about, for God to do this year. 
6 versus 29... If He could do it in 6 days, 29 days is more than enough for Him to make your joy full.. So don't think time is still short, God can still complete it even before the end of this month. 

My prayer is that God will crown this month with great testimonies that will surpass your desires and expectations in Jesus name. He will be glorified in your life in Jesus name.

Right, the topic for this week's conversation goes thus:

"I have suffered a recent heart-break and it has greatly affected my self-esteem. I keep thinking I am not good enough or that no one would want me. In my mind (and people have told me this), this is not true but it doesn't take away the feeling of being a failure/loser..."
Please help, how do I re-build my self-confidence/esteem after a heart-break?

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Ms PYT: The person in question feels hurt and no matter how you try to make her feel good, that tiny voice inside of her keeps telling all the negative things.
Heartbreaks are for a reason and they make you stronger and prepare you for your next relationship.

This person should focus on loving herself and being a better person‎ rather than relying on a guy to make her feel complete and acceptable. I know it's hard because we all want to feel loved but she needs to love herself first.

You need to love yourself first
Mr NumeroUno: I must confess this is not an easy one, yet critically important. PYT has kicked it off by stating the first rule of the game.
Rule No 1. Love God
Rule No 2. Love yourself (That is why God says love your neighbour, on the proviso that you love yourself.
Practical steps is to do some things differently.

1. Start with the gateway to the heart. Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life. 

One: I love that verse of scripture.. 

Mr NumeroUno: A. Sanction who speaks into your life (expunge your friend list, and give lesser attention to those who do not celebrate you, treat you equally, treat you as a person, deflate your self worth or self importance, inflate their self importance. Ie. Some people never call you back, respond to your texts 18 days later because they are 'too' busy. Time to expunge, exterminate and evacuate the phone book/friends list. 

One: Very true.. Periodically, it is important to evaluate friendships and people in your life and know when to let some people go.

Mr NumeroUno: That's right.
B. Joyce Meyer is a good teacher to listen to on Self Esteem, and so is Joel Osteen. Faith comes by hearing. At this season, see no evil and hear no evil. Protect your heart.

Purposefully close your ears to negativity.. Guard your heart
2. Add a life skill. Buy a new book and increase the wisdom that comes out of your lips. Go to the gym, go shopping or buy some magazines that can inspire your sense of style, etc. Learn a new language, learn a new culinary skill. It tends to build complements naturally, which in turn will add to your CV and self worth/self confidence.

One: Thank you NumeroUno! Very useful and practical points shared.. May I also ask, how do you silence the negative voices in your head like PYT suggested?

Mr NumeroUno: I always say to those I encourage, two voices speak to you. One with negative energy, and of cause the voice of reason, the Spirit of Christ.The one you agree with is a choice nobody can make for another.
All those people you admire out there or who you feel their swag, are people who at one point in time made that decision to rise above the negative voices.
You are not alone, we have all been recipients to negativity. Make up your mind to discard the voice of failure, low self esteem, et al. Believe the bible and every promise God has made to you.

There's more where that came from...
.... The Bible is full of promises of God to you. Immerse yourself in them!
One: It's very true, it's a decision you make to focus on the positive voice and continuously ignore the negative voice by God's grace or countering it with every promise of God made to you!

Ms TrueTalk: I want to believe the broken-hearted is a child of God and has a relationship with Christ, therefore I'd say as a daughter of God, first and foremost, you are a Queen, of a royal priesthood, a peculiar person, one of a chosen generation that will stand before kings and not mean men. So, who is that man that will or should make you feel any less? If he has parted ways with you, then be blessed because that is his loss and he has made you free to get better options. Being in Christ makes all the difference; encourage yourself with the Word. Let no man make you feel less than what you are worth- the very apple of God's eye!
You are ROYALTY... Never forget that
Mr NumeroUno: Brethren. Gender neutrality please. Men too deal with low self esteem issues o. Lol.

Ms TrueTalk: Lol, Numero Uno. Please by all means, it also applies to guys; my bad for focusing on the female part. All who are in Christ enjoy the grace (both male and female). Just 'mentally' inject 'son','King' 'woman' 'she', 'her', 'she', 'woman', respectively.

Mr NumeroUno: Cool stulfz (in the accent of Falzthebadguy) lol

One: Loll @Falz
I lovee! I was nodding while reading it and it even gave me a boost with my shoulders rising high "I'm a Queen, Daughter of the Most High".. Can you beat that?? :-D
Thanks NumeroUno for the important reminder that it is gender balanced.. When I was writing the question, I actually had some guys in mind...

Ms PYT: From your question, it seems this person has a knowledge of God's love and all...
Asides from reassuring her of God's love, I think there are practical steps:
* Be realistic about bouncing back; expecting yourself to bounce back after a heart break is unrealistic but you have to choose to.
* Appreciate your steps however small
* Get active
*Avoid unhealthy behaviours; Avoid withdrawing from others. Give yourself time to heal, savour your alone time and reconnect with both yourself and loved ones.
* Say NO to misinterpretations and assumptions, and above all you have to reconnect back to God.

One step at a time.. Sometimes, they may be baby steps but keep moving all the same!
Ms PumpkinUnited: I once read a quote that says 'Tell the Negative Committee that meets in your head to shut up'.. It was a deep one for me..
So first and foremost, what I do to help combat negative thoughts is to find positive quotes that counter the negative ones that keep creeping into my mind..
Luckily the only heartbreak I ever had was not man related but family induced heart break. I grew up with a grievous low self esteem cause all I always heard growing up was, you will never amount to anything, and you're not and will never be good enough (but look at me today, over confidence fe kpa mi, lol), it affected me so much and made me run from anything that required taking responsibility or making friends or the like. I just felt I was a lower creature. But then when I got in sync with God, I saw so many things in the scripture that told me who I really was and what I did was write them out and brood on them until it was buried in my heart and mind. I kept looking out for positive quotes and I kept confessing them until they became real to me. So every time a negative thought crept up, I immediately replied with what I have buried in my mind already and it helped. 

Another thing is to surround yourself with people that believe in you. This has helped me a lot cause I tell you it's not easy oo. (Shout out to the boo of life and other great people that saw the gold in me when all I could see was potopoto)

Surround yourself with positive people!
- Develop yourself, be busy learning, develop your passion just like Ms PYT said, don't just sit throwing a pity party,

- One other magical healing potent is music and dance, join a dance class and dance your pains away. It works like magic trust me.

- Be around positive energy and say not to negative vibes.

- Intentionally choose to believe in yourself.

One: Brilliant! Thanks a lot for this PumpkinUnited! We must dance away our sorrows :-)

The kind of people we surround ourselves with is sooo important!

There's a saying that goes thus: Your friends are like an elevator button, they either take you up or down...

... What's your take on this? Have you ever been in this place before? It would be great to here from you too. Join the conversation, what helped you? Also, do you need more help? Do you have questions? Please send an email

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Remember that 1 + The One is very social :-) Please connect with us on:

Twitter: @1plustheone
Instagram: @1plustheone

Also, if you have any question or comment please send us an email too - oneplustheone@gmail.com

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***NEWS FLASH***
Guess what??!! Nominations have opened for the Nigerian Blog Awards!
Please, be kind, nominate 1 + The One blog HERE in the following categories:

No 7. Best Faith-based Blog
No 12: Best Inspiration, motivation or personal development Blog
No 12: Best Relationship Blog

Thank you beautiful people!! xx

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Music & Me: He Never Sleeps - Don Moen

It's another Wednesday!

Hope you loved and were blessed by the very first Music and Me post? I was! If you didn't have the opportunity to read it, you can read HERE.

Music and Me is a music story book on the blog! We believe in the power of songs of praise and worship and more than that, in the act of worship itself. You can read a fuller introduction HERE.

Now on to today's feature...

It was really wonderful reading this submission by a dear Blog-friend and a lady who I think just by looking at her, and the feel/tone of the posts on her blog www.graciemama.com, does her name justice.. Today, the lovely Grace Efezokhe aka Graciemama shares an amazing testimony of how this song by Don Moen played a significant role in her life through her brother's story..

When I finished reading, I couldn't but marvel at the awesomeness and wondrous power and love of our GREAT GOD who never sleeps nor slumbers..

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The right Gospel song can soothe your soul no matter your mood. It calms you down and just assures you that everything will be alright. It ushers you into the Presence of God. The power of a Spirit filled song can never be overestimated in our lives.

I will never forget how challenging the years 2011 through to 2013 was for me and my family. My younger brother was diagnosed with acute renal failure just as he was about to enter into the university. His only surviving kidney had packed up as he the other one was removed at birth due to a health issue. He was placed on dialysis twice a week which later increased to thrice a week and on other days of the week, he had to be at either the urologist or one other specialists’ visits.

I can’t count the number of times I saw my mum cry for her son. Was it the sleepless nights my parents had or the times I broke down at work at the car park and in the restroom. We prayed and fasted, yet, it was as if everything was just getting worse by the day. Along the line, his dialysis was increased from twice to thrice a week, his body had started swelling and left to anyone who saw him at that time, he was like a walking corpse. The plenteous drugs prescribed to him could even make him start a pharmacy. Then came the bombshell, he had to go through a kidney transplant if he was going to survive. Ah! I lost so much weight during this period. But one good thing about having God on your side is that the Holy Spirit is always there to comfort you on every side. I never for once had a long face. Even later on, when I told colleagues at work about the testimony, they were surprised that they couldn’t have imagined I was going through stuffs. God turned all our secret tears to open testimonies.

Having my brother to undergo a kidney transplant was like a death sentence for me. I increased my prayers and fasting. I made strange vows to God and sacrificial offerings. Still, all the negative medical reports from the doctors were not even palatable at all as they became worse by the day. In January 2013, he became so ill that we thought he was going to die. He was placed on ICU and had a temporary loss of memory. My faith was so weak that it got to a stage where I couldn’t pray again. Those times when I decided to pray, I ended up having crying sessions.

And then, my elder brother told me to listen to Don Moen’s song “He Never Sleeps”. I just can’t explain the soothing effect this song had on me. It was like God’s way of assuring me that all was going to be well. The part of the song that says: “Do you feel that the Lord has forgotten our need? Just remember that God is always working in ways you cannot see. Our GOD IS ABLE, He is mighty. He is faithful” touched me the most.

I played this song countless times that in fact at a point, it was always playing in my subconscious. This song energized my faith in ways I couldn’t have imagined. God bless Don Moen for letting God use him to sing that song. I can’t even believe I’m shedding tears as I type.

He had to leave for India in February 2013 accompanied by my elder brother and then God took control. The kidney transplant was a big success that the doctors said my brother’s case was a miracle. My brother lost so many school years to his illness right from when he was born. One beautiful thing about God that He will always restore what we have lost. He is living a beautiful life in good health that makes him wonder to the doctors till date. He is currently in Amsterdam for his undergraduate.

God is just too faithful. Never give up on God for anything in the world. As for those who say there is no God, I pray that you will experience the awesomeness of having a personal relationship with him. Indeed God never sleeps nor slumbers. PRAISE YE THE LORD

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There's really nothing to add... I am very proud of this GREAT God, of our GREAT God. The One who wipes our tears away, the One who turns our mourning into dancing again, the One who is ever-mindful of us, the One who took the stripes on our behalf that we may be made whole, the One who knows and understands every single pain we feel and who desires to soothe them and take them away.. Our Balm in Gilead.
In everything we go through in life, we must never ever forget that our God never sleeps and He never slumbers. He is always in control, always in charge!

You can also read the story on Gracie's blog HERE


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Would you like to share yours too? Remember it could be a song that struck something in you when you listened to it, it could be a song or worship that you used during a down-time in your life and it made a huge difference, it could be a song that takes you into the 'God-zoneee', it could be a song that helps you express what mere words cannot quite convey, it could be a song that brings a zest and zing to your heart and steps whenever it comes up!
Each song will be accompanied by a story, introduction or reason why it is the choice of the week..

Please send us an email oneplustheone@gmail.com
Twitter: @1plustheone
Instagram: @1plustheone

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***NEWS FLASH***
Guess what??!! Nominations have opened for the Nigerian Blog Awards!
Please, be kind, nominate 1 + The One blog HERE in the following categories:

No 7. Best Faith-based Blog
No 12: Best Inspiration, motivation or personal development Blog
No 12: Best Relationship Blog

Thank you beautiful people!! xx

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Conversations with One: How to Woo a Lady 101

Hello beautiful people, it's Thursday and we don't want the curtains to fall on the day without our weekly conversation!

A little introduction for first-timers:

Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.

Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!

Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at the last conversation where we discussed money issues in relationships. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.

Now that we've gotten that, it's time for today's 'juicy' topic..

Word on the street is that our spirikoko brothers just don't know how to 'toast' a lady beyond "The Lord said..."

Why don't men make much of an effort anymore when they are wooing a lady?? I was having this discussion with 2 of my friends and we were like sadly some men have become lazy when trying to 'woo' a lady. What happened to the old days when a guy would send flowers, do nice gestures etc. Now, they want the prize without the work... Am I right or wrong?

Anyways, we want to help some brothers out {plus Valentine's Day is just round the corner #JustSaying :-)}

So today we discuss:

"How to Woo a Lady 101"
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Picnic anyone?
Mr Motivation: I believe wooing is relative and can only be effective based on the preferences of the woo-ee....lol. So how to woo a lady will depend on several things such as the woo-ee's love language, background, sentiments etc. So in order to do this, the woo-er must spend quality time in extracting these vital information. That being said, these basics can be applied and could prove effective at the early stages; things like, phone calls, Sweet early morning and late night texts, Hanging out at her favourite places and doing things that will make her friends envy her. Eg Opening the door for her, getting her simple treats for no official reason.
But I must say that in doing these, one must note the fact that at the heart of mastery lies consistency, so what you cannot continue with, DO NOT START.

One: Mr M! Thanks a lot! Great practical tips and I love the disclaimer at the end, lol. Consistency is really important! 'Start as you mean to go on'.

Something to always remember
Nubian Princess: Hmmmm.... Some of my guy friends in the office said they work from morning till very late at night, that they really can't be running all over looking for surprise. One of them said "she knows I love her, and I'm about to marry her, but all these romantic surprise things are done by men who don't have serious jobs" *Swoon* Another one said that the romantic things are done by men who want to waste time, that a serious man declares his intentions and wraps things up quickly... *Faint* Looool!

In my case, when Le Boo and I started dating, he said he's not into the whole surprise thing... In his words, "Babe, if you want me to get you something, please just tell me" and I was like "waaaattt????" Then we had a long 'discussion'... Loool! He's learning and he surprises me occasionally which is really sweet, but it's a skill he's acquiring because it's somewhat important to me, but it's not innate to him...

Conclusion in my opinion? People are different ooh... What Bisi will enjoy, you might not be lucky enough to enjoy in your own relationship so define what's really important to you, don't compare Bode to Tunde and have open communication lines... "Guy, you're not putting in any effort, how far?!" :D

One: I like how communication in relationships always has a way of slipping into our conversations - it's sooo important.. I wonder though, how about when you don't have the opportunity or you do not have the rapport yet with the person?

Mr John Nash: Interesting read Nubian... In my opinion I think one great way to woo a woman is to give her what she NEEDS when she is not EXPECTING it. Really important.

It could be a gift or your time and attention...
Another way which is something that works for me is to be a PROBLEM SOLVER. For instance, she's looking for a job, you help her through the recruitment process. She's studying for an exam you give her tips. Providing advice that leads to her goals.

Finally, WORDS! Saying the right things at the right time. Short text messages with meaning and purpose. Not the regular "you are beautiful" messages. Something deeper...

However you really need to understand who the girl is. Some girls love gifts, some love time, some love words, some love all of the above :-)

We thank God for elections falling on Valentine's Day in Nigeria this year. We should all spend time to pray for the country :-) :-) :-)

A considerate man who lends a helping hand gets the attention of many women - young or old
Nubian Princess: Looool @ Nash....
Please, we can pray for Nigeria over a candle-lit dinner somewhere...
Elections shall not be an excuse... :D :D :D

Miss Me: Loooll!Yup I totally agree, a candle-lit dinner will make prayers more efficient! :)

One: Hahaha.. Nice one Nash -Take out time to study the girl/lady in question + she must have friends, find out from them overtly or covertly what she likes and the kind of things that would make an impression on her... Get to work :-)

Miss Me: Right, you should do whatever you know your lady likes!! This also shows you're listening. If she likes flowers, please do get her them whether you think it's a waste of money or not. I think it's selfish to get only what you think is worth getting regardless of whether she likes it or not! If you're unsure, find out from people close to her. But then there are the old classics - surprise dinner, surprise gift for no particular occasion, random thoughtful texts like Nash has said! Usually you will know what a girl likes. We're usually upfront with it!

If she likes flowers, please get them whether you think it's a waste of money or not.. :-D
One: Are we really upfront? Ok maybe we are.. I think I am.. Lol...

Mr Agbalagbaski: Wooooooo... I agree different approaches matter and communication will help open it up.

Do you remember the days of ssiiiiiiii... Or loud kissing of lips to get her attention to invite her under the orange tree or 'Yemi my lover' paroles. lol

One: Smh-ing for you.. We know not of such things my friend! Lool (If you haven't seen the movie 'Yemi My Lover', you have missed a real treat! Haha

Mr Agbalagbaski: Lol.. Best way to woo:
Be her friend,
Listen to her
Then do it without her asking.
Make sure her friends are there when you do those things (extra points)

Chikenna!!

One: Interesting, I likey, I think being a good listener is a great way to earn points!

.... Ok, over to you lovely people. we haven't spoken a lot because I know that this is a topic that many men and ladies would have something to speak about.

Ladies, have you had any experiences you'd like to share? Please do! Guys, we want to hear from you too, what are simple but meaningful ways to woo a lady or get her attention or court her or 'ask her out'? Let's hear you! xx

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Remember that 1 + The One is very social :-) Please connect with us on:

Twitter: @1plustheone
Instagram: @1plustheone

Also, if you have any question or comment please send us an email too - oneplustheone@gmail.com


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***NEWS FLASH***
Guess what??!! Nominations have opened for the Nigerian Blog Awards!
Please, be kind,  nominate 1 + The One blog HERE in the following categories:

No 7. Best Faith-based Blog
No 12: Best Inspiration, motivation or personal development Blog
No 12: Best Relationship Blog

Thank you beautiful people!! xx